Surviving The Holidays

Holidays are a minefield. You never know what family member or co-worker is going to strike next. This is my post on preparing you for dealing with stupidity over the holidays. It’s the most festive war-zone of the year, so break out your holiday dress and your nicest, offensive manners.

My first suggestion is getting some of those mini bottles of tequila, because trust me you’re going to need it. Someone at some party is going to make a white girl comment, ask you about the boyfriend you don’t have, or worse. Like when that pervy co-worker decides to comment on your holiday outfit and look up your skirt. Or when your Great Grandmother continues to call your black friend “The Help.” The list of rude and unnecessary comments goes on, but you have to fight back in the most offensively nice way possible. So put on your bitch face and roll with the punches.

If you’re not the one hosting, then don’t forget to bring a gift for the host. I usually just bring a bottle of wine that I picked up on the way. If you are the host, don’t forget to drink as much as possible and thank everyone in a drunken manner.

If you feel the need to throw up, cry or yell at someone, go outside, smoke a cigarette and reassess what petty reason your upset over and get over it. If you ate too much food and you need to throw up, go around the block and do it and then come back.

Presents. Presents. Presents. If you have a sibling, buddy up with them to get your parents something. And then take all the credit. If it’s for anyone else, get something small but make sure it’s useful. If you wouldn’t use it yourself, then why would they use it? So if it’s your bitchy girlfriends then obviously make-up, candles, or Starbucks giftcards. If it’s a boy, just cook him something or buy something that looks homemade. Boys love food so there’s how you win their heart for the holidays.

So there’s how you survive Holidays in December. And remember on New Years, don’t admit your resolution because it’s probably stupid.


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