Once upon a time, I was married. It was cool because no one believed me and then I had to convince everyone to believe me. Which just made for interesting conversations at frat parties. And then my husband decided that he was going to become a hippie since he was living in Colorado and I was living in Texas. So he started studying rocks and then he came to pay me a visit. I had this cute little gift for him and you know what he brought me? A rock. A motherfucking rock. And I just stood there and stared at the fucking rock. He said,”it’s a jade stone.” Do I look like I fucking care? Please, tell me. How is this rock going to be useful.
Now were divorced. And he looks like a drugged up lesbian. So occasionally, when I’m drunk I like to laugh at how bad he’s let himself get and how great my materialistic life is. And then I saw this tweet:
It’s a rock. It’s a green rock. You can find them on the ground. Why are you so worried about a ducking rock? Is it because I wouldn’t let you have the dog? Why do you have longer hair than me? Last time I saw you, you smelled bad, does said rock give you special powers that make you smell better? Is there a genie in the rock? I just don’t understand why this rock still matter to you a year later, it’s just a rock and it’s probably outside somewhere since that’s where rocks belong, ya know?
Confused Ex Wife