Usually I would just say, “don’t.” And I mean it. But if you absolutely must, here’s how to do it:
1. Get fucking hot. I mean go to the fucking gym 3 times a day for everyday for the rest of your life. No body likes a bitch who gets fat after marriage so don’t be fat before marriage either.
2. Know your drugs, you’ll never know when it comes in handy.
3. Find your dream man. He needs to be educated, dresses well, and hot. I mean so fucking hot.
4. Get a job where or near where this douchebag works. Pretend to be smart. Even if you’re just the fucking secretary, change the name to like Assistant Lead Production Assistant. Just add a bunch of words in there and make up a fucking title.
5. Dress fucking nice. I mean look professional as hell in the sexiest way possible.
6. Pretend to hate him. Dirty looks. Snide remarks.
7. He’ll ask you what’s up and what’s you’re fucking problem. Flirt. You have no idea what he’s talking about.
8. First date. He picks you up and you order whatever the fuck you want. Stay away from that fucking salad. Get the most expensive sushi on the menu and the drink with the most alcohol. Don’t throw up.
9. Ignore him for a month. Then ask to watch some stupid smart people movie on tv.
10. Find or make up a common interest. Bike riding, swimming, camping, hikes. I don’t give a fuck what it is but go do it with him. Pretend to like his music. Don’t be yourself.
11. Let him trust you.
12. Make a joke about marriage.
13. Wait for him to make a joke about marriage and moving in and say,”that could be fun.”
14. You got him.