Movie Theatre

Movies are both a classic family tradition and a great way to get away from your family for a few hours. If you see someone you don’t want to talk to, just act like your movie’s about to start and you have to run. Then you can watch Office Christmas Party in peace.

Grocery Store

Your mom will definitely drag you to the grocery at least four different times while you’re home, and the closer it gets to Christmas, the more of a minefield it is. You probably went to sophomore year Homecoming with the guy working at the deli counter, so make your mom get her own meat.


The DMV is the fucking worst because it is, but also because everybody goes to the same one. See if you can make an appointment online and avoid the wait, or just don’t go and drive on an expired license for a couple months. Both valid options.


Honestly use a code name when you’re ordering your drink, because you can’t afford for people to hear your name called out. You’re basically a celebrity in your town, so you need to keep a low profile.

That One Bar

Every town has one. You already got drunk with all your demons from high school over Skanksgiving, so this time you should probably find a new place to buy overpriced vodka sodas with the three girls from home you still talk to.

The Bagel Shop

Send your dad out to get bagels over the weekend, because you definitely don’t need bros from high school seeing you within an hour of waking up.

The Skating Rink

Avoid outdoor ice skating at all costs while you’re home. There is a 95% chance you’ll see some guy you had a crush on when you were 16, and he will definitely notice that you’re fucking terrible at ice skating. Just stay home.

The Mall

The mall in December is a lost cause. It’s a lot of sad moms buying shit their kids won’t even like, and you definitely don’t need to run into parents from your high school class. You barely even remember their kid’s name, so you’re not that invested in whatever dumb story Sheila has to tell.


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